


Cecil Kanagawa's Winter Wonderland

by harpydora



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Gen, Mild Kidnapping, Mild Sacrilege, No Spoilers, innacurate representations of holidays, nebulously pre-canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 21:26:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13280181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harpydora/pseuds/harpydora
Summary: Cecil rocked on the balls of his feet, clearly incapable of containing his glee. "It's going to be my masterpiece! A retelling of an ancient pagan myth about the winter solstice on Earth.""This isn't the sort of ancient pagan Earth myth that involves ritual sacrifice, right?"





	Cecil Kanagawa's Winter Wonderland

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for TheKingKez for the 2017 Penumbra Podcast Holiday Exchange! They mentioned that they like Cecil and Juno's friendship, and this was the first place my brain went. I hope you enjoy!

The invitation came by post (or what passed for it these days in Hyperion City), an old-timey red paper envelope with Juno's name and address written on it by hand. Inside was a card that had been embellished with red, green, and gold calligraphy so fancy that Juno couldn't quite make out any of the words. The card also included a smaller envelope labeled "Please R. S. V. P."

He tossed the card on his desk, baffled. Who even did that anymore?

There it laid for two weeks, swiftly buried in other bits of the inescapable administrivia of running his own business. And, it was as they say: out of sight, out of mind. Despite its oddity, the envelope and its contents faded from Juno's thoughts.

*

He noticed the car tailing him pretty quick, but his own vehicle wasn't built for speed (or maneuverability, or… well, he was lucky it even _ran_ at this point), and the other driver was good. A professional who knew how to wring everything they could out of their vehicle. In trying to lose the tail, Juno wound up boxed in down some dingy alleyway with nowhere to go without hoofing it the old fashioned way.

Most alleys in this part of Hyperion City were decorated with half-collapsed fire escapes, drooping old-fashioned clothes lines, and decaying stonework facades that all offered great hand- and footholds to any enterprising private eye looking for a quick escape. Unfortunately, the other driver was _very_ good, because they'd managed to herd Juno down the one alley in the godforsaken city that had none of these things. _Damn._

Before Juno could spare a second to weigh his options, one of his pursuers tackled him to the ground. He twisted around, trying to catch whoever had bowled him over with an elbow or heel, but then he heard it: the tell-tale shutter click. A cameraman. Which meant—

"Oh, _there_ you are, Junebug," Cecil Kanagawa cooed as if one of his lackeys hadn't just knocked Juno down.

Great.

"If you wanted to find me, you know my address," Juno said stonily.

"Oh, I do," agreed Cecil, stepping into Juno's peripheral vision. "That's why I sent you an invitation! But you never responded so I thought that it might've gotten lost. Paper invitations are such an inexact science." He clapped his hands together with poorly-contained glee. "But I'm glad I found you, because it's almost time!"

"Time for your goon to let me up so I can go home?" Juno asked, though he thought he knew the answer. But hey, can't blame a lady for trying.

Cecil's peal of laughter echoed off the walls of the alley. "Don't be silly, Junebug. It's almost time for the festivities to start!"

*

Juno had been acquainted with Cecil long enough to know that Cecil's definition of "festivities" only loosely aligned with his—or any reasonable person's, really—so it wasn't a surprise when he exited the vehicle to find himself in some sort of weird white hellscape. The wide area had been decorated with tall, pointed trees that bore spiked branches, then covered in a blanket of downy white fluff. In the copse of barbed trees, Juno caught a glimpse of some sort of long-legged creature stalking through the fake forest.

"What do you think?" Cecil rocked on the balls of his feet, clearly incapable of containing his glee. "It's going to be my masterpiece! A retelling of an ancient pagan myth about the winter solstice on Earth."

"This isn't the sort of ancient pagan Earth myth that involves ritual sacrifice, right?" Juno shifted his weight from foot to foot as he tried to gauge the distance between where he stood and the nearest exit.

"Of _course_ it is, Junebug!" Cecil exclaimed, delighted. "What do you take me for, some sort of daytime talkshow host? Oh, don't make that face; I didn't bring you here for _that._ I'm not about to kill my leading lady. Well, not before the deathmatch with the patron demon of the holiday."

"What."

Cecil threw back his head and laughed. "You're always so serious. Come on, I've got so much to show you and our audience at home." He reached out and snaked his arm around Juno's, tugging Juno in close. A camera drone buzzed overhead, and Cecil glanced up to flash it a winning smile. "Welcome, everyone, to Cecil Kanagawa's Winter Wonderland!" The drone zipped back up, presumably to provide a wide shot of the set dressings, but Juno could hear the telltale shutter clicks of the cameramen stalking the periphery of the sharp, white forest.

While Juno didn't exactly trust Cecil's assurances, it was difficult to say no when surrounded by several genetically engineered goons in the heart of Kanagawa territory. He sighed and let Cecil lead him by the arm deeper into the trees. As they passed, several of the trees flared to life, their deadly spines blinking with multi-colored lights. In the distance, Juno thought he caught another glimpse of that long-limbed critter from before (doubtless another genetically engineered monstrosity).

"It was tradition, dear viewers, for Earth heathens to venture into snowbound forests and find the most deadly tree they could." Cecil paused in front of a tall, violently blinking specimen and gestured at it with the hand not currently clutching Juno's arm. "You can tell how deadly they are by how colorfully they glow. Isn't this beautiful?"

When it became clear that the question hadn't been aimed at the audience, Juno cleared his throat. "Um. Yeah. It's… shiny?" And, staring at the aggressive light display for a few minutes… well, Juno could kind of see the appeal. It wasn't pretty enough to risk life and limb for, but it was nice enough to look at.

Satisfied, Cecil tugged Juno further in. "After claiming the most deadly subject that they could, the heathens would drag it home and leave it as bait for something even more dangerous."

They left the woods and entered a clearing in which the tallest, brightest, spikiest tree in the forest had been erected. Its warning lights cast scintillating colors across the blanket of downy white snow in an almost hypnotic display. Juno didn't realize he'd stopped until Cecil continued to pull him forward. "Here!" Cecil's voice dropped low, "Just watch."

Juno did.

At first, nothing seemed to be happening. The set was still and silent save for the periodic clicking of the cameramen. Even the drone had landed somewhere and turned off its propulsion. The quiet stretched long enough that Juno began to fidget, almost opened his mouth to say something, before getting cut off by Cecil digging his nails into Juno's arm. "Look!" he hissed, pointing across the clearing.

The thing that stepped into the clearing indeed had some of the longest limbs that Juno had ever seen. Sharp and spindly, they supported a lean body with a long neck topped with a fanged muzzle, glowing red eyes, and a pair of horns that split into needle-like prongs sort of like a fractal. "It's a reindeer," Cecil whispered in reverent awe that sounded almost… genuine. "The myths say that if your tree is bright enough, you'll attract one of these beasts. If it finds your tree to be sufficient…"

He trailed off as the reindeer trundled forward on its elongated legs and lowered its head to sniff at one of the tree's branches. Cecil sucked in a breath through his nose, and his grip on Juno's arm tightened. Juno bit back the urge to say something and pull his arm out of Cecil's grasp; somehow, knowing that Cecil was interested in what was happening made it easier for Juno to get caught up in the moment, too.

The reindeer surveyed the clearing with its gleaming red eyes before raising its head and backing away slowly. Cecil clapped one hand over his mouth to stifle a delighted giggle. "It approves! Now we'll get to see… _him._ "

"'Him?'" Juno asked, matching the low pitch of Cecil's voice.

"The patron demon of the holiday: a creature so hideous that no one can agree on its true name, though most accounts remark on its enormous girth and red carapace and crimson coloration." Cecil's tone never strayed from that reverent awe, and he kept his eyes firmly fixed on the clearing.

Juno turned his attention back there, too. They waited, Cecil still clutching at Juno's arm, for what seemed like an eternity. Cecil's fingers still dug into Juno's arm, but they'd relaxed enough that they didn't constrict blood flow. That was an important distinction considering Juno still wasn't sure if Cecil had been joking about the deathmatch. And knowing Cecil, the odds were about 50/50.

The ground under their feet rumbled, kicking great plumes of the white powder up into the air. Cecil smothered another giggle behind his hand and tugged Juno a few steps back so that they no longer stood in front of the treeline. The rumbling drew closer, shaking the spiny, pulsating tree branches. It became the trembling backbone of another, more primal sound: a deep-throated braying that sounded almost like… laughter?

At the opposite edge of the clearing, the trees parted—no, they were shouldered aside by massive, hideous thing that stretched the bounds of what it meant to be a bipedal creature. Its skin was red, chitinous, and bulging; streamers of white hair flowed from the crown of its head and down its back; each of its limbs ended in black digits capped with wicked claws.

The thing loped across the clearing and skidded to a stop in front of the large tree in the center. It tilted its head from side to side as it circled the tree; the flickering lights cast its features in grotesque reds, greens, and blues. Cecil's grip on Juno's arm tightened until it was painful, but Juno found he couldn't tear his attention away from the spectacle before them long enough to say anything.

Heedless of its audience, the creature lumbered around the tree for a few moments more before gripping the tree by its base with its massive black claws. It hefted the still-twinkling thing high above its head and let out another haunting bellow before thundering back off into the trees.

In its wake, the reindeer returned. Clasped delicately in its terrible maw, it held a single, gaily wrapped gift which it deposited where the tree had been. Then it lowered its horned head and backed out of the clearing.

Cecil released Juno's arm and began to clap. "It's a miracle," he said, giggling in delight. "Let's see what the demon left us, Junebug!"

Juno rubbed his arm and followed Cecil into the clearing. Everything here had been engineered by Kanagawa scientists just for this purpose. None of this could be a surprise, and yet the glee on Cecil's face seemed sincere. Though, being honest with himself, a holiday celebration that involved dangerous old Earth flora, fauna, and mythical creatures was right up Cecil's alley.

Cecil knelt next to the package and tore off the wrapping paper without even picking it up. Juno sauntered over, keeping his hands firmly in his pockets and leaning to peer over Cecil's shoulder. What could he say? He was still curious. There, on the ground in front of Cecil, cradled in a nest of ruined wrapping paper, laid a simple plastic box with a flip-top. It was labeled with Juno's name. "What in the—?"

"It's for you," said Cecil, as if that explained anything. He looked up at Juno, expectant.

Juno knelt and picked up the box, turning it over a few times before thumbing it open. In the box rested a single fancy tube of the reddest lipstick Juno had ever seen (and he'd gone through a phase when he had worn the brightest, most electric lip colors he possibly could).

"Do you like it, Junebug? I had it formulated just for you. It won't smear even when you choose to be foolish and stop a fist with your mouth." Cecil beamed. It was almost disarming. Almost.

"Is this from the same lab that you have making all your neurotoxins?"

"No! Of course not!" A pause, then Cecil ducked his head sheepishly. "Well. Maybe. But that isn't the point. The point is that this was something I had made especially for you to commemorate this, a most sacred of the old Earth heathen holidays!"

Perhaps it was the lingering sincerity in Cecil's face, or maybe it was the way the trees around them still scintillated, or maybe the weird proceedings had softened his heart to Cecil's plea. Juno sighed and plucked the tube of lipstick from its box. "Thanks, Cecil. I'll wear it on my next job. Well, the next one I don't have to worry about going unseen. Is this bioluminescent?"

"Oh, I'm so glad you like it." Cecil stood, brushed the white particulates from his knees, and planted a kiss on Juno's cheek. "Happy Crimbo, Juno."

"Happy Crimbo, Cecil," Juno echoed.


End file.
